You know that sinking feeling when criticism hits and your brain goes into defense mode? I used to react to every disagreement like a personal attack until I learned to pause and ask what I was actually feeling underneath the reaction.
The story
You know that sinking feeling when someone criticizes you and your brain immediately goes into defense mode? Your heart races, you start crafting the perfect comeback, and suddenly you’re in a full-blown argument about cake.
Yeah, that was me. Every disagreement felt like a personal attack. I’d either bite back or shut down completely. My relationships? Surface-level at best.
Then I read Chapter 1 of Scott’s “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind” and something clicked.
Here’s what changed: Instead of reacting when emotions hit, I started asking myself two simple questions: What am I actually feeling right now? And what do I need or value that’s driving this feeling?
Turns out, most of my defensiveness wasn’t about the situation at all. It was about deeper stuff – wanting to feel respected, needing consideration, craving connection.
The real game-changer? Applying this to other people. When someone snaps at you, they’re not just being difficult. They’re expressing an unmet need. Maybe they value thoughtfulness and felt overlooked. Maybe they need safety and felt threatened.
Swain calls this cognitive empathy – recognizing what’s driving someone’s emotions without necessarily agreeing with their behavior. It’s not about being nice or letting people walk all over you. It’s about understanding the why beneath the what.
Now when my partner says something that would’ve triggered me before, I pause. I get curious instead of defensive. “Were you feeling disappointed because you value consideration?” Simple reframe. Big difference.
