Stop reacting in arguments and start responding. Learn the 4-step method that turns conflict into connection by separating what happened from your story about it.
The story
Before: You’re mid-argument. Heart racing. Words flying. Someone just said something that felt like a slap, and now you’re firing back – because being *right* matters more than being heard. Later, you replay it in your head. The knot in your chest won’t go away. You wonder why every conflict leaves you drained, distant, or angrier than before.
After: You pause. Instead of reacting, you separate what actually happened from the story you’re telling yourself about it. You name your feeling – frustrated, hurt, whatever’s true – without blaming anyone. You dig beneath that emotion to find what you actually value: respect, connection, being understood. Then you make a clear, positive request that invites cooperation instead of defense.
That’s Practical Empathy Practice. Scott breaks it down in Chapter 8 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* – four steps that replace your autopilot anger with curiosity and clarity.
It’s not therapy-speak. It’s a rewiring tool. When someone snaps, “You never listen,” you stop hearing an attack. You hear a want. So you respond: “Are you feeling disappointed because you value being heard?” Suddenly, you’re not enemies. You’re two people trying to understand each other.
Swain includes real exercises – rewriting past arguments using these steps, building what he calls empathetic muscle memory. Over time, peace becomes your default, not the exception.
Anger isn’t the problem. Reacting from anger without understanding what’s underneath it – that’s what keeps you stuck. This method gets you unstuck. It turns conflict into connection, blame into c
