You’re forcing gratitude wrong. Instead of manufacturing thankfulness, try seeing the hidden values driving people’s most annoying behaviors. Real appreciation follows.
The story
Most gratitude advice is backwards.
We’re told to journal three things we’re thankful for. To feel it first, then express it. To somehow manufacture appreciation through sheer willpower.
Scott Howard Swain flips this in Chapter 9 of “A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind.” He teaches a four-step process called Practical Empathy Practice. Observe what’s really happening [not your interpretation]. Name the feelings. Spot the underlying values and needs driving someone’s behavior. Make a clear, positive request.
Here’s what works: when you see someone’s full context – their motivations, their constraints, what they’re trying to protect or create – appreciation just shows up. You don’t have to force it.
Your partner who keeps rearranging the kitchen? They value order and efficiency. Your colleague who overexplains everything? They need to feel understood and thorough. Your friend who cancels plans? Maybe they’re protecting their energy reserves.
None of this excuses harmful behavior. But it shifts you from irritation to understanding. From obligation to genuine appreciation.
Swain’s method works because it rewires how you perceive others’ intentions. You stop assuming the worst. You start seeing the values underneath the actions – even annoying ones.
Gratitude built this way lasts. It’s not performance or toxic positivity. It’s actual connection with actual humans doing their messy best.
Chapter 9 doesn’t ask you to feel grateful on command. It teaches you to see clearly. The gratitude follows.
