We keep unwrapping the same grudges every December. Chapter 16 shows how empathizing with enemies isn’t about being nice – it’s about stopping them from controlling you.
The story
Holiday confession: some of us are running an emotional Advent calendar – one tiny door of resentment to open every day, same enemies, same arguments, same cortisol hit.
Chapter 16 of *A Practical EmPath: Rewire Your Mind* by Scott Howard Swain is basically the “stop gifting yourself stress” chapter.
Scott’s take is brutal and oddly kind at the same time:
empathizing with your enemies is not about being nice.
It’s about getting free.
You’re not doing “enemy empathy” for their feelings. You’re doing it so you stop being controlled by the conflict. When you get curious about what they actually need or value, you move out of that mental loop of “how dare they” and into “ah, that’s what they’re protecting.”
That’s where PEP – Practical Empathy Practice – comes in.
You slow down, notice what was actually said [Observation], what you’re feeling [Feeling], what you care about [Need], and what you want to ask for [Request]. OFNR. Four steps, zero groveling.
And key line from Swain: you don’t “make” anyone feel anything. You might trigger a feeling, they decide what to do with it. Which means you can engage fully without signing up to manage their reactions.
Will this chapter fix your family holiday drama in one read? No.
Will it give you a way to spot the tiny micro-shifts where an “enemy” becomes…less enemy? Yes.
If you’re tired of wrapping the same grudges every year, Chapter 16 is the page you dog-ear.
